Gifts

¹ – Gift (English) – a present

I can't do this anymore. I couldn't.

He hands me the book I've dreamed of and says it's truly a beautiful gift¹ for me. It was so hard for him to get it. I smile with gratitude.

Then why don't I want it?..

You have received a new gift!

Pain again. What was that hit on my cheek?

You have received a new gift!

Please, accept it.

You have received a new gift!

Again. And again. Like an echo that won't fade. Like a knife that's never pulled out.

You have received a new gift!

Smile. Say thank you. Accept it.

You have received a new gift!

Then why did I ever agree?

You have received a new gift!

I hide the real gifts — the ones that could have been ours — deep inside, where he can't reach, where he hasn't yet reached. But what's left?

These «gifts» tear me apart from within. Every time I see that glimmer in his eyes — the one that appears when he says «for you» — I want to scream. It's not for me. It's for him.

He likes to see me smile — broken. I don't want to accept anymore. I don't want to give anymore. But there he is again, standing in front of me with this gift — as if it means love.

And I want to scratch from my memory every moment I ever thought that it was love.

Because if it had been love — I'd be alive.

But I've been dead for a long time now.

Dead, wrapped in shiny paper.

I've forgotten who I was before. Forgotten what «no» means.

His voice — a trap that whispers. His hands — chains wrapped in silk.

What do I feel? Whose hands are these touching me now? This warmth that wraps around me… so familiar, but not mine. The kind that clings. The kind that hurts. The kind that makes me look at the skin that has known that warmth — and wish to shed it like a snake.

If only I could become that snake and give him my gift²…

And if this will be the last gift I ever leave him — let it be made of ash. Let it crumble in his hands. Let nothing remain.

Because I, too, have the right to give.

² – Gift (German) – poison

February 19, 2025

by Mary Arne

(Translated from Ukrainian)